11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
