mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
