so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
