I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
