I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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