it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
