i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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