We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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