my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
