how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I lost the right to judge tonight
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
