Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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