at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
