I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
