I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I deserve this hangover.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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