Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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