My Higher Power is John Stamos
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
