Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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