I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
