I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
