you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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