Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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