Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
