Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
