I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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