Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
