I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
