I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just cropdusted the office
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize