He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
