She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
