Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
