you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think a kid would responsible me up
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
