I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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