I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
