I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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