dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's blow job season.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
