I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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