Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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