party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
