Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
