Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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