My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
