I accidentally had phone sex last night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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