I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
