I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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