So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
