I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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