I puked a lego.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Randomize
