his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
