I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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