i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
