I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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