i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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