i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
