she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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