my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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