Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
