somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
