why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
