Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Do vagina's smell?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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