i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
