Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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