Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
