quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
