so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
