Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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